Best Excuses for Dozing at Work

10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about inthat time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probablygot here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statementand envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relievework-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people whopractice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out asolution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."

Jean

Jobs

A Catholic Priest and a Rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotion.

"What do you have to look forward to in way of a promotion in your job?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job." replied the Priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Well, next I can become Bishop." said the Priest.

"Yes, and then?" asked the Rabbi.

"If I work real hard and do a good job as Bishop, it's possible for me to become an Archbishop." said the Priest.

"O.K., then what?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest, begining to get a bit exasperated replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a Cardinal."

"And then?" asked the Rabbi.

The Priest is really starting to get mad now and replies, "With lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work and if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?" asked the Rabbi.

"Good grief!" shouted the Priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," said the Rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Jean

Jokes: Q&A

Q. Which servant of Jehovah was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. Because he broke all 10 commandments; at once.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."

Read more at Aha! Jokes

who else?
JS
;)

The Real Jacob

http://www.beth-elsa.org/abv112604.htm

Punctuation

excerpt from Giving Pause (,) for Thought by Janadas Devan

Misplaced commas have caused schisms; questionable ones have occasioned lawsuits.

Consider this passage from Luke, xxiii, 43, reporting Christ's words to one of the criminals who was crucified with Him: 'Verily I say unto thee, Today thou shalt be with me in Paradise.'
That is how the Protestant Bible renders the passage, placing the comma after 'thee'. The implication is the thief will be translated straight into Paradise with Jesus, skipping 'the whole unpleasant business of Purgatory', as Ms Truss puts it.

Now consider how the Catholic Bible renders the same passage: 'Verily I say unto thee today, Thou shalt be with me in Paradise.' The implication here is the thief will be translated into Paradise, but not immediately, leaving 'Purgatory nicely in the picture for Catholics, who believe in it.' One wonders: If Luke had got not only Christ's words right, but also the precise punctuation He intended, would Christendom have been riven into so many pieces?

Note: "And Jesus said to him: Amen I say to thee, this day thou shalt be with me in paradise." -Luke 23:43
"In paradise"... That is, in the happy state of rest, joy, and peace everlasting. Christ was pleased, by a special privilege, to reward the faith and confession of the penitent thief, with a full discharge of all his sins, both as to the guilt and punishment; and to introduce him immediately after death into the happy society of the saints, whose limbo, that is, the place of their confinement, was now made a paradise by our Lord's going thither.
-Douay-Rheims Catholic Bible
http://www.drbo.org/cgi-bin/d?b=drb&bk=49&ch=23&l=43&f=s#x

Harry Potter, Catholic Boy

http://www.up.edu/portlandmag/2004_summer/potter.htm

Catholic Gasoline

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, an Exxon Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

Irish Priest in Texas

Good old Irish humour to brighten the day.

Seems that the good Father O'Malley rose from his bed on a beautiful spring day
in his new Texas mission parish.

He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a breath of fresh air of the new day.

But alas, Father O'Malley noticed that there was a dead jackass lying in the middle of the front lawn.

He promptly called the police station and the conversation went like this:

"Good morning, this is Sgt. Jones. How may I help you?"

"The best of the day to you my son. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There is a dead jackass in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sgt. Jones considered himself to be a comedian. He replied with a smirk,
"Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites."

There was a dead silence for a few moments, then Father O'Malley replied: " Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obligated to notify the next of kin."

Gotta love those Irish priests!

Why I Don't Forward Religious Stories

Why I Don't Forward Religious Stories by Darrell Hamilton
...
The problem with this story is that while it conveys a principle that seems true enough, it is actually a fictional story. It is very easy for a crafty person to hide untruths (lies) in the midst of truths when the overall medium is fiction. That is how most mythology was started - someone came up with a "plausible" explanation with a story that could not be verified.
...
Satan is never described in the Scriptures as an "villainous-looking gent". He and his servants are described as looking like angels of light (II Corinthains 11:14) and as wolves in sheep's clothing (Matthew 7:15).
...
In general, there is no need to pass along make believe stories about Jesus. It dishonors the Bible to think that you have to get people to see their condition by spreading false tales. The Bible is sufficient to convict men of their ways. Cute stories only encourage people to make up their own story and believe that.

So here is the ultimate test. If you send this story to someone who has never read the Bible, would this story make them curious enough to read the Bible? If they read the Bible because of this story, would they be upset when they discovered that this story is not in the Bible? Too often, stories of this nature are designed to give people comfort that they can be acceptable to God just as they are, without any change on their part.

Jean